Disappointment

Disappointment is a recurring thing when you leave the church. First comes the big one--the disappointment that the church you've invested your life in is a crock of shit. That's pretty disappointing. Then you're disappointed at the way people react to your leaving--to their disappointment. It's just kind of a sad cycle of disappointment for everyone.

This has recently been thrown into sharp relief for me when I announced my engagement. My fiancé is, like me, an atheist. We have no interest in a temple wedding. We're not terribly invested in the concept of "marriage" at all--were it not for family pressure, we would probably wait a few more years and just live together for a few years first. We'd have a nice wedding when we're able to pay for it ourselves. But to keep the peace, we're doing it now. Four months from now, actually.

My mother's disappointment has been hard for me to deal with. Years ago she told me that her greatest wish for me was for me to get married in the temple to a worthy priesthood holder. Turns out I'm not doing that. I'm getting married in a courthouse to an atheist. The only thing worse, in her mind, would be "shacking up" together (which, ironically, would be my preference if I wasn't taking anything else under consideration). My fiancé was a worthy priesthood holder, at least until he left the church. I think he's a nicer person than most "worthy priesthood holders" I've known. He doesn't judge people. I'm never afraid to be myself or say what I'm thinking around him. That's a luxury that I never had with anyone else, least of all the Mormons I've known (including my family and the one Mormon guy I dated). I am far happier than I would be if I were living her dream for me. She says she's happy for me. But she's still disappointed. And that makes me sad. The librarians at my local library showed more excitement when they heard I was engaged than my own mother did. That stings.

I can't blame her too much--I'd probably react the same way if I were in her shoes. I blame the church. This sort of thing isn't exclusive to the Mormon church; former Catholics and Jews face the same problems, as do people from many other religious denominations. Ex-Mormons have a unique spin on it, because their families believe that they're sacrificing "eternal marriage" for "til death do you part." But the fundamental problem isn't all that different. You're getting married, but the package isn't good enough for your family.

So how do you deal with it? It's hard not to let it all get to me. I've found that the most helpful thing has been talking with my fiancé and sympathetic friends. It's nice to know that there are some people excited for me. It's also nice to feel like I'm not crazy.

Also, you just have to let some things go. I have to accept that my mom is only capable of being so happy for me, and be happy with that. In the end, I know that I'm making the right choice for me.

Freedom

A lot has happened since my last blog post. Most notably, I've graduated from BYU-Idaho (finally!!) and will be getting married in January to a wonderful man and fellow atheist that I met while we were both students there. I'm also coming up on the three-year anniversary of my apostasy. It feels like it's been a lot longer than that because so much has happened. I was thinking about that today, and about how much religion changes a person--whether you're joining or leaving one. A lot of things about me are the same as they always were, but the church was such a fundamental part of my life when I was a Mormon that I really couldn't help but change drastically when I extricated myself from it.

I often note to myself or others how much freedom I have now that I've left the church. A lot of that freedom has to do with ceasing to give a shit about the church's rules. Word of Wisdom? Fuck that, I love coffee--although I still get something of a rush when I go to Starbucks, like I'm getting away with something. It's fun that something so mundane to the rest of the world is so exciting to me. I haven't tried alcohol and I'm not hugely interested in it, although I'd like to try wine sooner or later. Law of Chastity? Fuck that, too. Both the WoW and LoC are examples of ways that the church infantilizes its members. Rejecting the church's rules means having to think things through for yourself. Coffee was a pretty easy thing for me to do. Alcohol is a bit more complicated in my mind, because I have alcoholic relatives and there's a lot of social stuff wrapped up in it as well, but I now trust myself to make mature and responsible decisions regarding it. The same is even more true of sex. I don't rely on an institution to make choices regarding my sex life for me. Back when I was in school, my roommates had a discussion about whether oral sex was okay for married couples to do. To Mormon me, deferring to the church on this matter would have made perfect sense. Now, it's none of their business. It's between me and whoever I'm having sex with; why the fuck would I ask some old guy at church whether oral sex is okay? And, by extension, on what planet should I care about what some old guy, or a panel of old guys, thinks about whether I've gone through some legal shenanigans before having sex? I'm a grown-up. I'm capable of making responsible decisions for myself.

That freedom--the freedom to make my own decisions--is particularly important to me, in part, because of my gender. Since leaving the church I've become adamantly pro-choice. I don't want the church making personal decisions for me, and I don't want the government or society making them for me either. It is my choice whether or not to get pregnant or stay pregnant, and anyone who wants to make that choice for me can fuck off. I don't care if you think that a blastocyst somehow qualifies as a person, or that deferring to someone else's preferences regarding abortion is "taking responsibility" for my actions. I'm not part of a cult anymore. I make my own choices now. The Mormon church and anyone else who presumes to dictate my choices can go fuck themselves.

Another aspect of my life where I feel significantly more free since leaving is intellectual, but still somewhat gendered. I've made posts about this topic in the past, so I'll be brief here--I'm a feminist, and I don't care what the church wants me to do with my life. Choosing not to have children does not mean that I'm "listening to Satan." Neither does choosing career over children. I'm getting married soon, but if I wasn't interested in marriage, there would be nothing wrong with me staying unmarried.

It's kind of an exhilarating feeling, actually. It's like I'm suddenly invulnerable. And, in a sense, I am--I'm immune to the church's coercive tactics. After all, telling me that I'm "listening to Satan" isn't very effective when Satan doesn't exist. You might as well tell me that Santa won't bring me any presents this Christmas.

This freedom is awesome. I wouldn't sacrifice it for anything. Church members are regularly told that the church is the only way to happiness, and that they're happier as members than they would be otherwise. As someone who's lived on both sides of the fence and was reasonably happy on their side, I am so much happier with a free mind. It's like waking up and winning the lottery every day.

Intellectual abuse

One of the things that I find most troubling about the LDS church is the intellectual abuse that it perpetrates on its members. This abuse is a product of the brainwashing that the church does, and it is incredibly harmful to the ability of its members to exercise unfettered critical thinking. Members are trained to constantly measure their own thoughts, opinions, and conclusions against the positions of the church and the teachings of its leaders. If the church has made no definite statement on a given subject, members may debate and think freely, but if the church does have some doctrine or position, then woe to the member who should dare to differ. In essence, the church undercuts the intellectual process. I have seen members develop sophisticated and compelling reasoning for some view that they may hold, and then drop it all without a second thought when they hear a prophet or apostle speak on the matter--even if that prophet's or apostle's justification (if any is provided at all) is weak or patently absurd. 

When I was a believing member of the church, the church was all-encompassing in my thinking. All my thoughts and conclusions had to fit into the framework of my belief. This is only natural, and all human beings do this--try to fit new thoughts and ideas into their existing perception of how the world may be. The troubling thing was and is that the church clothes itself in asserted moral superiority, and disagreeing with the church is not mere disagreement--it is immoral and a reflection on the individual's righteousness. Disagreement with or--heaven forbid--criticism of church leaders is a cardinal sin in Mormonism. Those who dare to criticize are automatically seen as at risk for apostasy--if they are not apostates already. This attitude stifles intellectual discourse and proper airing of ideas. The church sees itself as a unilateral giver of universal truth. Any who disagree are at best misguided by Satan, and at worst are his servants. 

All this means that any members who do question anything in the church or think anything that is not consistent with its official positions are made to feel guilty for their thoughts. It doesn't matter if the issue is something small and stupid like earrings or skirt length, or hugely important like gay marriage or the truth of the church itself. The concept and culpability of thoughtcrime is alive and well in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

ANNOUNCEMENT: URL change

please note that I am changing the URL of my blog to blissfulheretic.blogspot.com.